Please Don't Take Our Sunshine Away
by dr pepper upper
Summary: Pavel Chekov is a little bit of sunshine on the Enterprise with his happy attitude and contagious smile. That is, until he faces guilt and failure and blames himself for the death of a mother.


**I felt so goddamn bad for Pavel Chekov after he tried to save Spock's mother that I just had to write something. I hope you enjoy, leave feedback or whatever. I tried writing out Pavel's accent. It was hard. I hope I don't confuse you too much!**

* * *

Anyone could tell you that irking Pavel Chekov was nearly impossible. He had a sunny attitude that many people on the _Enterprise_ lacked. No one hated him, because really, who could resist those eyes and that innocent smile he was famous for? He was the baby of the ship, the youngest member. After all, he _was_ only "sewenteen". The crew members liked him, though they did poke fun at his accent, especially when his mispronunciations left him with "access denied" blaring for a few minutes.

Each time he prepares to enter the authorization code, he can hear the chuckles behind him. He always just grits his teeth and does it. "Ensign Authorization code: nine, five, wictor, wictor, two." As predicted, angry red letters glare back at him, laughing in synch with the crew, "Authorization is not recognized." They poke fun at him for this. They poke fun at him because of his accent. They poke fun at him for his age.

Pavel Chekov can shrug that off, though. After a moment of pouting, the eager smile is back on his face and he's ready to go. So, no, he can deal with the jibes at his voice and being "sewenteen". What he absolutely _cannot_ stand is the use of one word.

"Hey, _kid_!"

"How're you doin' today, _kid_?"

"Look a little tired, _kid_. Get enough sleep last night?"

"C'mon, _kid_. Focus!"

"Good job, _kid_."

"Damn, _kid_. You actually _are_ smarter than you look."

_Kid_. The name is so… So demeaning! Usually, he wouldn't even _dream_ of complaining. He had the job of his dreams. He was a navigator on the _Enterprise_. His captain was James T. Kirk. He was a genius! They all were smart, but Pavel secretly figured he was one of the smartest ones on board. After all, Captain Pike had called him "Russian Whiz kid" before he knew his actual name.

He did not understand why the crewmembers were so quick to make him feel small and insignificant. They might not realize the impact of the little pet name on their youngest crewmember, but by the end of their mission, he was starting to get very annoyed. Everyone called him 'kid'. Everyone except Spock and Uhura, though she pinched his cheek and patted him on his head instead. He thought that was _worse_.

It didn't help that Pavel was not his normal self anymore.

It all started the day that the Vulcan planet was destroyed. It started when he did his very best to beam up everyone that Spock was trying to save. It started when Pavel Chekov lost Spock's mother. Whenever he allows his mind to wander or his eyes to close after that incident, he sees Spock's outstretched hand and his calm façade. Pavel had seen the pain and shock in the Vulcan's eyes. He blamed himself for that. He blamed himself for anything.

Spock didn't say a word to him when he walked out. Wide, innocent eyes prickled with unshed tears as he watched the remaining Vulcans walk out of the room. He didn't know how long he just sat there, staring at the screen. When he finally snapped out of his own shock, the room was empty. The tears he had not shed while others were still around suddenly flowed, as if some dam had been broken. He had deprived someone of his mother. He had just let her fall. He could have done more. He should have saved her.

Realizations hit the young man– _No. Not a man. Just a boy, I'm just a boy _– quickly, each one a sucker punch to the gut. It was just too much for Pavel to comprehend and he was completely overwhelmed with the guilt and torment he was putting himself through. He closed his eyes and remembered. He remembered how her signal had dropped from where Spock's had been. He remembered how desperate he had been, punching the numbers frantically and trying to get her back. He had failed. He had failed everyone: Mister Spock, Captain Kirk, the Vulcan elders… Everyone.

As he slid from his chair and hit on the floor, he could only hope that no one would hear him and come to see what the problem was. Yes, he was smart. Of course he was. Yes, he always performed his very best on the job. This time, however, he had to remember just who he was. He was only a boy, a boy who was not ready for that kind of responsibility. Spock's mother had fallen to her _death_ and he couldn't save her. Pavel figured that someone older, someone with more experience could have saved her. He shouldn't be on the _Enterprise_. He just… Wasn't good enough, was he?

It all started with his horrible revelation. It started when Pavel Chekov cried himself to exhaustion on that floor. It started when _he_ started feeling like he wasn't good enough. Because of his hysterics, he never saw the impassive pair of eyes watching him. He woke up in his own quarters in the morning with no recollection of how he got there.

* * *

No one picked up on it at first. It was subtle at first. Somehow, the night after he cried himself to sleep on that God forsaken floor, he woke up in his own quarters with no recollection, no memory of any face that had helped him get back. Pavel had decided he didn't _want_ to know. Someone knew his secret, they had found him in his moment of pure weakness and he could only pray that he would never have to face the humiliation of finding out who it was.

If anyone noticed the little changes in him the few days afterward, they didn't say anything. They were all preoccupied with the situation at hand. Pavel was silent most of the time, sitting at his post and waiting for the captain to give him orders. The eager smile had run away from his face, taking with it all the innocence and brightness that was usually there. Dark circles under his eyes indicated trouble sleeping, though most of the crew had the same look about them. No one was getting much sleep, but Pavel's problem was one the rest of the crew didn't have to deal with. His guilt crushed him every time he saw Spock.

If he thought the guilt was bad before, it was nothing compared the weight of it when James Kirk pushed Spock to his breaking point.

"What is it with you Spock? Hm? Your planet was just destroyed, your mother murdered, and you're not even upset." _Oh, my God_… Oh, please. Pavel felt like he was going to throw up as he heard those words. What was Kirk _doing?_ Kirk and Spock were standing close together, but Pavel could hear every word and it was tearing him apart.

"You feel _nothing_! It must not even _compute_ for you! You _never_ loved her!" He felt like he had the wind knocked out of him, even as Spock punched _Kirk_.

_It should be me getting hit!_ He wanted to scream, he wanted to stop what was happening. He stood, shocked to the point of barely breathing. He was falling faster and faster even though his feet were planted firmly on the ground. His breathing became ragged and suddenly he felt more alone than he ever had. He longed to hear someone call him 'kid' affectionately and pat his shoulder and give him a condescending smile. He felt like he was falling through space, the stars twirling around him and jeering at him, laughing at his reckless decent into the darkness he made for himself.

* * *

The signs, however subtle, that something was seriously wrong with the young ensign. Whether he knew it or not, he was considered the small ray of sunshine on the _Enterprise_ and was treasured by most. The crew loved his sunny smiles and how excited he got after finding the answer to a particularly tricky problem. He always cheerfully recited his name, which was hard to pronounce by the way, to anyone who mispronounced it. He was the most energetic person on the crew. For a long time, the crew felt safe and thought that nothing could take that precious bit of sunshine away.

What they failed to realize, however, was that their sunshine was already clouded over.

They began to notice, however, that the kid had retreated into himself. He no longer smiled as brightly, nor did he seem as enthusiastic about his job. They all knew how hard he was working to keep his position, but suddenly that drive depleted and left him with much less enthusiasm. He kept to himself. He no longer joked around with Sulu when things were boring aboard the ship; he just stared dejectedly out the window and focused on the stars.

There were very few motherly figures on the ship. Uhura tried to talk to him, though that didn't go as well as she had originally planned.

"_Chekov!" The young had ensign turned to look at, more like right through, Uhura with a blank expression on his face. She was smiling, however, and was shocked when the grin was not returned. "Hey… Pavel?" He just blinked at her, as if unable to comprehend that she was talking to him. His blank face unnerved her. _

"_Oh. Hello," he finally had answered, blinking repeatedly at her. She was taken aback, studying him intensely. He seemed to grow uncomfortable, aware of her scrutiny._

"_Are you… Okay? You look a little off," she had commented, unsure if she was treading on thin ice or not. It was the day that Kirk had taken control of the ship. She had noticed something in the young man. He was the one when all hope had seemed to fail and they thought they were going to lose both Sulu and Kirk, he was the one who had sprinted down the halls yelling for people to move so that he could save them. She could tell that he was marginally less passionate about doing __**anything**__, not even capable of holding a cheery conversation like he would normally._

_Before she could ask about him, he had turned on his heel and walked off without a word. After a moment of just standing there, Uhura took off as well with the intent on finding someone to help._

* * *

The first person Uhura ended up running into was Dr. McCoy. He was not exactly happy to be approached about something that was not bleeding, screaming, or dying, so he sarcastically suggested complaining to the captain, because, "I'm a doctor, not a guidance counselor!" So, Uhura took off again and bumped into Captain James T. Kirk. He did his usual 'leer at the pretty girl and say something inappropriate' routine, though his heart wasn't in it. Remembering Bones', albeit sarcastic words, she voiced her concerns to the captain.

"Captain, I'm a little worried about Pavel."

"Pavel..?"

"Chekov."

"Pavel Chekov…" She tried desperately hard to hide the fact that she wanted to slap James Kirk silly.

"The _KID_, Captain."

"Oh, right, right. What about him?" She gave him a recount of her miniscule exchange with the young ensign and was not surprised when he waved her concerns off.

"He's probably just not getting enough sleep. Shit, everyone here hasn't gotten enough sleep. Don't worry about the kid. He'll be fine. He's bouncier than one of those Goddamn super bouncy balls that kids love to play with."

"But Captain, he's _never_ like this. He's the little ray of sunshine, remember? Even _you_ have called him that. Something's wrong. Shouldn't you try to talk to him? You _are_ the captain…"

"He'll be fine. He just needs sleep. Dismissed." James T. Kirk strode away from her, shoulders relaxed and grinning, as per usual.

And that was that.

* * *

Unfortunately, that _wasn't_ that. That night found Pavel unable to sleep yet again, so instead of just lying in bed and praying for sleep to come and take him away, he got up and started aimlessly roaming the ship. In retrospect, he should have known that going out of his quarters when he was so tired he could just faint was _probably_ a bad idea., especially when he wasn't even looking where he was going.

His steps were slow and his eyes were heavy. He barely even noticed when he walked into _the_ room.; the room where it all started. He was almost sleepwalking as he got up onto the platform and sat himself down on the spot where she _should_ have appeared.

Pavel was a kid who, under no circumstances, _failed_. He was at the top in his class. He was a whiz kid. He always studied hard because he couldn't take the thought of failure. That was all at school. There was always a second chance at school, to come back and do it again until you got it right. The young ensign now understood that in real life, there _were_ no second chances.

_He watched in horror as the woman's signal suddenly dropped, as if she was dropping right off a cliff. The others were safe, they were being beamed in as he frantically moved his fingers around the screen, trying desperately to get a hold of the woman. She was dropping too fast, she was getting out of his hands and he felt like screaming 'Please! Please, please wait!' All he could do, however, was babble incoherent sentences. "I'm losing her, I'm losing h–" His voice cut off as the remaining Vulcans that Spock had managed to save materialized. "I lost her."_

_The pain was unbearable. He had never felt such total failure before and now he could see it in Spock's eyes. That was his __**mother**__. Pavel had just made him lose his own __**mother**__. He couldn't even comprehend the anger… The anger that should be directed at him, He had tried so, so hard to hold onto her. All he ever wanted was the approval of his superiors. He thought he could handle it. Oh, God. He had failed. She was gone, she was dead and it was his entire __**fault!**_

The familiar crushing pain in his chest came back and Pavel fell to the platform, curling into himself and sobbing. He felt like slamming his fists into something. He was _angry_. He was so angry and he couldn't hold it in. He had prevented himself from breaking down after that night, but the weight of knowing he was the reason that the woman he never even knew wasn't alive anymore was too much to bear on his own. Pavel didn't know how long he stayed like that. He was only brought to the edge of consciousness when he heard footsteps close to him. He could feel someone leaning over him and he just shut his eyes tighter, unwilling to look and see who had found him. There was silence for many long minutes except for the occasional whimper from Pavel who was shaking, cold and upset.

There was a pause for a moment longer and he thought the mysterious person had finally gone away. He was about to open his eyes and move himself from his pathetic position when a body moved closer to him, arms circling around him and lifting him up with a little huff from the effort. Pavel immediately snapped his arms to his stomach, knowing better to struggle but was not about to touch this person. His eyes remained squeezed shut but the person did not seem to wish to speak. He only walked out of the room with Pavel in his arms. He only relaxed when he heard a little tune being hummed, the vibration from the chest he was leaning against comforting Pavel more than he could have hoped.

As he slipped into unconsciousness from sheer exhaustion, he heard the words from the tune being sung under a breath, the lyrics altered just the slightest bit. "You are our sunshine, our only sunshine. You make us happy when skies are grey…"

* * *

"Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a psychologist!"

"Bo-ooones…"

"No. I won't hear it. I'm busy."

"Busy with _what?_"

"… I'm just busy, okay?"

"Bones, please. Uhura was right. There's something wrong with the kid." Jim's voice was pleading, something Leonard McCoy was very used to. He was also used to giving in to that tone and after a moment of thought, conceded to listen with a glare.

"What makes you think that?"

"Bones, he was asleep on the transportation platform. From the look of him, I'd say he had a pretty rough night, y'know?"

"No, I don't know, Jim."

"I mean… Emotionally. A rough night emotionally." There was a long pause.

"Oh." The doctor was thinking, still glaring at Jim because he was interrupting the mounds of paperwork that needed to be done as fast as possible, before, you know, they were, like… Possibly killed by the Romulans.

"Something tells me that wasn't his first night there. I don't know. We've all been under emotional stress. I mean, even _Spock_ was emotionally compromised."

"Yeah, Jim. He _did_ lose his mother, after all." There it was, the one thing everyone had been trying to forget for Spock's sake. He had loved his mother, very dearly. Bones continued on, "It's too bad the kid couldn't save her."

Something clicked and Jim sat up straighter, staring at his friend. "What did you say?"

"I _said_ 'It's too bad the kid couldn't save her'. Honestly, Jim. Do you need you hearing che–" But Jim was already out the door, leaving a very confused Leonard McCoy. "Damn it, Jim. I'm a doctor, not an epiphany-inducer!" He yelled at his friend's retreating form.

* * *

They were going home, thank God. Jim was tired and he just wanted to sleep without being worried about his crew or ship being damaged. It seemed as though the realization had not yet sunk in because he was still up at a horrible hour.

"Hey. Kid." Jim walked into the rec room on the _Enterprise_. It was so fucking _late_ (or early, if you want to get technical) and really, no one should be up. Especially when their shift ended _hours_ ago. It was a widely known fact that Captain Kirk was something of an insomniac, but the last person he thought he would see was the kid. Didn't teenagers like, need twice the sleep that adults got?

Jim watched, slightly amused, as the kid jumped up from his seat on the floor near the window. He had been looking out at the stars, Jim surmised. "Keptin!" The kid did something that looked like a salute and then put his hand over his heart. Jim couldn't blame him; he had obviously been taken off guard. Jim studied him in silence for a moment before grinning easily at the boy.

"Hey, kid. What're _you_ doing up? I mean, I know I have some serious sleep issues, but shouldn't you be getting some shut-eye? You kind of look like hell itself. No offense." He frowned when the kid didn't smile back like he usually would. Instead, he stood tense as a board, eyes flickering from Jim to the door as if trying to calculate what chance he had of getting out of the rec room without Jim catching up with him. Apparently the numbers weren't in the kid's favor because he stayed rooted to the spot.

"Y-yes. You are right, Keptin. I should, ah, get some… Sleep." He made a move to dart out the door, but Jim had another idea.

"Kid, why don't you stay? I could use some company. You don't look like you'll be getting much sleep, either." _And I'm not going to carry you back this time,_ he added silently. Jim went and sat against the window as Chovel, Chocolate, whatever the hell the kid's name was had been sitting. The ensign looked almost frightened, wide eyes darting from Jim to the door and back again. Feeling slightly offended, Jim frowned at the boy and spoke sharply. "Sit. That's an order, kid." He did as he was told, walking slowly towards the captain and sitting a few feet away from him. When it was clear that the kid was _not_ going to be the one initiating the conversation, Jim sighed.

"All the stars kind of look the same after a while, don't they, kid?" He watched in mild interest when the kid's eyes flashed a little at the condescending name. He just nodded, jaw clenched tight and eyes narrowing just the tiniest bit.

If there was one thing known about James Kirk, it was that he didn't really know when to stop. He just pushed on and on, not caring about the consequences. Especially when it ended in him getting the shit beat out of him. "Look, ki–"

"I am not a kid!" The ensign spoke up loudly, cutting of Jim's sentence. Jim's eyebrows raised in silent question, observing his response to something that he should have been quite used to by now.

"Sure you are. You're only seventeen, kid."

"Eighteen," came the muttered reply, darkened by the sudden anger that was clouding around the normal sunshine.

"What was that, kid?" Pavel bristled and he turned to face his captain head on, eyes blazing with something Jim had never thought he'd see in the young man's eyes. Hatred. Anger. Fear? No, fear was not present this time.

"I am eighteen!"

"Since _whe_n?" Why hadn't he told them? He was an adult! That was something that should be celebrated!

"Zince the day Wulcan…"

"Huh?" He was intentionally goading him on. Jim knew now, he had pieced it together. He wanted the kid to admit it. "Since what day? What happened?" The wide eyes flashed again and Jim actually kind of wondered if he should fear for his life.

"Zince ze day I failed! Zince ze day she died! Zince ze day I could not zave an innocent voman!" James Kirk put up his hands in mock surrender, the cocky grin in place. It was the only way he knew how to deal with situations like this, though it was obviously angering the kid even more. He gave a strangled shriek, hands clutching at his curly hair as he fought for his control back. Jim felt bad for him. His whole heart was aching for him, but he was _not_ the best one to handle emotional moments.

"Shit, kid, calm down," came the arrogant voice. "No one blames you for that. It was an accident and there was nothing you could have done. We've all forgiven you, so forgive yourself. That's an order, kid." There was a dead silence and Jim actually wondered if the kid had fallen asleep.

"Keptin." Nope, still awake and still pissed off. Man, he really shouldn't have pissed him off. Number one rule: Never piss of a Russian. Seriously. "You may be able to order my actions on ze bridge, but one thing you can newer do is order my emotions." Jim gulped a little as Pavel stood, eyes blazing with anger and what Jim now understood to be self-loathing. "I failed zat day. I caused meester Spock to lose his mother. I cannot forgiwe myself vhen I am ztill guilty of zat mistake." He was shaking and suddenly brought his hands to his face. He was trembling as he stood, facing the full evil of his guilt as he poured into the captain.

"He lowed her, Keptin. I sav it. I can newer forgiwe myself when I took avay someone that meester Spock lowed," he continued, his accent coming thicker than ever before and his voice shaking. He slid to the ground again. Jim was utterly shocked. He blamed himself _that_ much for something that wasn't even really his fault?

"Kid, kid. Chekov," Jim mumbled and got up to sit by the younger man. It was the second time he had seen the kid this way and it was still unsettling. Jim hesitated, unsure of the right action to take. Finally, he moved forward and took the trembling boy into his arms, reputation be damned. The kid was part of his crew, his ship, and James T. Kirk loved his ship more than anything. "Hey, listen. Listen to me," he urged, taking the boy roughly by the chin and tilting his head up so that he could look into his eyes. "It was _not_ your fault, Pavel. You have to understand that. No one holds you responsible for her death. It's okay, kid. You're gonna be okay."

The captain spent the night talking to Pavel, repeatedly telling him that nothing was his fault, that he had performed admirably. "You saved my life, you know," Jim spoke quietly.

"Huh?" The kid was sagging against him, exhausted from his emotional stress. He couldn't seem to recollect the events where he had _saved_ someone, not killed.

"You saved me once. Me and Sulu, remember? Whole crew said they saw you running like the devil himself. If you hadn't been able to beam us back…" He trailed off and smirked at the boy when innocent eyes looked at him. He wasn't prepared for Chekov's response, however.

"No, Keptin. You saved _me_."

With that, a small ray of sunshine broke through the thick clouds that had been surrounding Pavel Chekov.

* * *

Total forgiveness had not yet been achieved, though Pavel was beginning to think that it never would come. He still lived with the guilt of taking away someone's mother, however he could sleep without being carried off to bed by his captain. He still didn't know who had helped him that first time… _I don't really want to know,_ he told himself firmly as he slung his bags over his shoulder and prepared to get off the ship.

They were home. Pavel still couldn't believe he was alive. He was questioning himself, however, as he walked onto the bridge for the last time. Did he really want to come back? Could he face something as devastating, or more, than what he had endured? Captain Kirk had gently informed him that sometimes causalities did happen and most of the time it wasn't anyone's fault. Jim Kirk was the one he could thank for his retaining his sanity. He smiled a little as he sat at his post for the last time in a little while. They were all going on leave, a break from the traumas they had faced.

He was so young… Did he really want to spend the prime years of his life in space? He knew his mother would much rather have him at home, working a nice, simple job and be able to see her every week. After the events that had just recently transpired, it sounded so… Boring. Pavel chuckled at himself, raising a hand to smooth across his face.

"Mister Chekov." The young ensign jumped at the unexpected voice, swiveled his chair around and looked up at the imposing figure of Spock. He gulped audibly as the Vulcan studied him silently. Heat crept up his neck and went all the way to his hairline before the Vulcan spoke. "You did well. All is forgiven, though there is really nothing to forgive in the first place."

The weight was lifted. Pavel felt more free than he had in days and it only took Spock a few words to make the burden go away. "Z-zank you, Sir," he stammered. Spock's mouth turned up in what Pavel could only assume was a smile before turning on his heel and promptly walking out. Spock paused at the door, turned his head and smirked at someone who had apparently been hiding there the whole time.

"You believe in eavesdropping on your crewmembers conversations?"

"Oh, shut up, Spock." Spock shook his head and left. Captain Kirk stepped out of his little 'hiding place' and grinned. "Just wanted to make sure he did it." So, Pavel didn't really know what that meant. He grinned eagerly back, standing and grabbing his bag.

"Is it time to go?"

"Yeah. Let's get off this damn ship, Pavel."

"Aye-aye, Sir!" Before they walked off the _Enterprise_, however, Jim caught Pavel's shoulder.

"You did good, kid. Don't let anyone tell you any different, alright?"

"Yes sir." He grinned and Jim grinned and everything seemed like it was alright again.

"Hope to see you back on board, kid. Don't disappoint me. The _Enterprise_ just isn't the same without some sunshine."

"I von't, Sir. I promise you zat." Maybe just this once he can stand being called 'kid'.

* * *

**Can you guess who got Pavel back to his bed that first time? xD I bet you guys can. I don't know if I made it obvious or not, but it wasn't Kirk that first time. Hope you enjoyed reading this… Thing. If not, I'm sorry for wasting your time!**


End file.
